Paula's Plain Dress Testimony
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Backstory, Part 1
"Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes."
Henry David Thoreau, Economy
How it Happened or My Credit Card, My J. Peterman
The Opening: My first recognition that I needed to live a deeper, plainer, more spiritual life was 13 years ago. I was attending the Friends Meeting in Syracuse, New York. I had also read Sue Bender's book Plain and Simple about her experience of living with the Amish. I bought the journal inspired by the book and wrote about where I might be going; the combination of attending meeting and the view into the strangely compelling world of simplicity was really too much for me. The life I was called to was much too difficult for me at the time, too honest, too raw, and too exposed. I could not have committed to plain living at the time. I was also in treatment for major depression and personality issues caused by alcoholism, abuse and domestic violence. The idea that a person could live peacefully was foreign to me; I myself was filled with such violence that the hour at meeting was torture. Oh- and did I spend money! I made up for the lack in my life by filling it with the items I always wanted but was not able to obtain. I still have many of the items, including the J. Peterman dress and shirt that cost more than my recent flight to Buenos Aires. At the time I was using tangible items to identify myself and using money to create the new me, or at least participate in the hidden me. I was a financial disaster, but that's another story. I had spent all of my life as plain and it was my time to shine.
I didn't stay at the meeting long but the values I had picked up (or mirrored values I had already held, albeit deeply) stayed with me as I became a babe. I grew my hair long, wore the cool clothes and learned to flirt. I was having fun. It was becoming clear to me however as I was catching up that it wasn't where I was going to land. My mad consumer lifestyle lasted long enough to know I didn't want to continue this way; it was not the road to inner peace that it appeared in the ads. And so I discovered Voluntary Simplicity and it replaced the religion of the Mall. Those earlier values that had stayed with me finally blossomed into a life that was starting to make sense. The inner turmoil was finally resolving and the outer manifestations were beginning to show. I still lived in Suburbia and had to deal with the constant conflict of the lifestyle I was living and the lifestyle I wanted to live. I wanted a farm - who knew? Well I did - when I was 12. So how was it took another 20 years for me to remember?
After 9/11 I volunteered to participate in a cross-faith dinner and fellowship with Muslim women from the local mosque. That night changed my life. I met women who were funny, intelligent, and not at all apologetic about their hijabs. They loved being covered and they loved living a full spiritual life. I was blown away! The idea that being covered and dressing modestly could be liberating was exhilarating. I believed them and wanted it for myself. I remembered that once I was considering something like it . . . when was that? Wasn't it something about the Amish . . . ? I was finally well but far from ready.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Backstory, Part 2
Whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness
of your conscience, obscures your sense of God,
takes of your relish for spiritual things, whatever
increases the authority of the body over the mind,
that thing is sin to you, however innocent
it may seem in itself.
Susana Wesley (John Wesley's mother), from a letter written to her son dated June 8, 1725. www.wesleyan.org
The Opening: I began looking for a new home in 2002. I knew if I wanted to make real change I would have to leave the area I had lived in nearly my entire life. I hadn't considered moving to Ithaca so it was a series of coincidences and synchronicities that led me to pack my small car with my few belongings and head to the Finger Lakes. (That my friends, is a very interesting story that will have to wait for another day.) I began again with my Morning Pages practice and found myself writing about my desire to live an authentic and more spiritual life. Having been involved in Voluntary Simplicity for some time this was no surprise; however the desire for clothes shocked me. What was this? I thought I had moved away from the need for consuming clothing and I was concerned that I although the type of clothing had changed I was still shopping. I sat with this for awhile and continued to write. Eventually it changed to the type of clothing was important, that I was simply uncomfortable in what I was wearing. I was wearing the typical and I was very uncomfortable. I found skirts and dresses were easier to wear than pants in an active lifestyle and by dressing modestly I didn't need to shave saving my sensitive skin. I was moving away from not only the culture of fashion (however expressed) but also the culture of beauty. This was the biggest surprise to me. I have been considered beautiful and worked it to my advantage - I was vain. I wanted more and at the same time I wanted less, less attention from myself and others.
The other theme that appeared in my writing was a return to skills. I had a belief in being self-reliant but was not working within my own abilities. I had started sewing at 6 years year old and had worked in theatre costume shops; I was able to create my own wardrobe based on historical and current designs but was not, and wondered why I wasn't. I had a deep craving to wear historically-based costuming and to wear something on my head. While the former made sense within a lifetime of costuming interest, the latter was a troubling development. I could explain away the switch to dresses but I could not explain headcoverings. I did not discuss this with anyone, even my husband for a very long time. I was feminist, I was a liberal, and I wasn't a Christian. Why would I want to cover my head? This desire consumed me silently as I spent hours searching the internet for information on the plain faiths that lived this way. Much of what I was already living fit the profile and at the same time I was being consumed by clothing; I was validated by my low-impact, rural lifestyle. I had the quiet sense I was finally going home and Jesus was there to meet me.
About a week before I was married, I was startled by a very Amish-looking fellow standing outside my cubicle. I felt my spirit leap and I wanted to leap into this fellow's arms. It was the most awesome experience and of course I completely misinterpreted it - at first. I was about to be married, how could I desire someone else? Has this secret desire turned into something perverse? I helped the visitor and with my heart pounding I immediately went back to the computer and looked at my bookmarked web-pages of headcoverings and plain clothing. I did settle down and with grateful maturity realized it wasn't about the old habits at all (fashion - beauty - sex - the relationship), it was a clear sign this was real and time for me to commit. After the wedding I told my new spouse I needed to change the way I looked and it would take me awhile but I hoped he would be supportive. He is. It was then I also discovered Plain Quakers and was not at all surprised to see this same fellow at meeting a couple of months later. I knew what I was to do.
But I didn't know why. I began the transition. I bought my headcovering and it sat on a shelf in our bedroom. I began to order the patterns I would use to create my new wardrobe. I wasn't ready for a public transformation but I was privately moved. I pictured myself in my new garb and often forgot I wasn't really wearing it. I bought a Bible and began a daily reading and prayer practice. I stopped the Morning Pages. After a month of the private work I felt the familiar pressure build inside again. It was time to wear it. I prayed and prayed for guidance. I didn't want to do this. I felt a clear divine direction affirming that yes, God knew exactly who I was and I wasn't going to change because I was wearing a beanie and a dress. I was still a feminist. I could still be an athlete. This wasn't some sort of diktat that I had earned because I was a sinner but a real chance for a real relationship with Him. I needed to move past the hang-ups and distraction that appearance had created to be the strong, faithful and confident woman I wanted to be. I knew this . . . but still resisted.
One Saturday night I couldn't sleep. The pressure was intense. I rose and again went to the computer to look at all of the web-pages I had bookmarked. For some reason I still don't understand, I googled dress for peace. (The social justice aspect of Plain was a very large part of my private commitment.) An article by Arun Gandhi came up in the search and in it I found my place. Arun reminds the reader his Grandfather taught that dress is a very important part of non-violence and peace. God told me I was to dress for peace and in a moment's time I saw the rest of my life flash ahead - not the reverse. I was to work in this overlooked teaching and in that moment He showed me exactly what I was to do. I'm sure this sounds terribly mystical and a bit woo-woo but it happened just like this. The next morning I woke, put on my covering and haven't stopped wearing it since. I went back to meeting. The rest? It's falling into place.
This has not been easy. As I have stripped myself of my props I have discovered insecurity, low self-esteem and shame. I have also discovered comfort, faith, peacefulness and a different kind of beauty. It means something to be home alone with my husband and have my long hair down. I am finally able to say, I make my clothing. I have a long way to go of course, but I do know where I'm going. I'm going home.
She is not the only one. See also:
